smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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