Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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