dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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