i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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