It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
