Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
