god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
