I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
