How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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