I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize