I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
