it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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