I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish I only lived at night.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Operation Purity has been aborted
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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