Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
