Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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