Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
