how do flat chested girls get laid?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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