I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
