I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
