Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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