i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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