im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
