I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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