I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize