I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
