im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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