pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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