I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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