she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
