Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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