Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
