How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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