Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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