Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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