everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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