I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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