Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
