Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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