I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
