I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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