last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
