Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
