also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
