somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
