my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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