we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
