I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize