he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
