Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
