I want to walk on stilts...naked
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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