Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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