Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
