how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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