my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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