Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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